Iris
by Kate Bridges
Summary: Sawyer is dead, and Kate is convinced that she's to blame. What happened to her and Sawyer continues to haunt her, until someone appears in her doorway. Skate! Reviews needed! Thanks. Warning:some season 3 spoilers. Chapter 4 here!
1. Chapter 1

_And I'd give up forever to touch you, _

_Cause I know that you feel me somehow._

Kate turned the volume out until she could no longer hear the cars honking in the streets, her neighbor's dog barking, until she could no longer hear anything.

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, _

_And I don't want to go home right now_

She closed her eyes until she didn't know where she was anymore, and she didn't care. She had closed herself off from reality. The truth was, she'd been locked away from it for two weeks already.

She began to whisper the words of the song softly, and an image began to flood into her mind, something blurred that she couldn't see.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

It was the backseat of a car, in the middle of a winter night. The windows were open wide, and there Kate was, her head stuck out the window and freezing rain blowing into her hair. She was cold, colder than she'd ever been in her life, but she didn't even feel it anymore. And the song was still playing loudly as ever from the car stereo. Finally she pulled herself out of the rain and grinned at the driver of the car. Seeing his face again, even in this vivid memory made her want to open her eyes and cry, but she didn't. She kept listening. The same familiar words blasted from her radio again,

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

That did it. All of a sudden she punched the power button of her stereo fiercely and sobbed. She cried until she thought she would flood her tiny apartment and drown again. She realized she knew what the song was about. In a moment of understanding came desperate grief, and those words brought his face back into her mind, the face that kept haunting her, wouldn't leave her alone. Sawyer.

She rocked herself back and forth, crying for the first time since she left the island, tears streaming into her hair. He wouldn't leave her alone. No matter how hard she tried, he kept coming back. She could fell him touch her; hear him whisper "Freckles," softly in her ear. She had tried to run, the only way for her to solve anything was to run, but she couldn't run from this.

"It was me, it was me," she whispered. Kate knew she sounded crazy, but she didn't care. She had to tell someone, even if it had to be herself.

"It was me, me. I let him die."

And just with those words Kate felt herself relax, even only slightly. She began to breathe again. Finally she had told herself the truth.

She closed her eyes. The fear was gone, the secret told. But the pain still wouldn't go away. _God, _she thought, _will it ever just go-_

The intercom started buzzing, giving Kate a heart attack. She looked at it apprehensively, as if it were a stray dog that might bite her.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

She stepped toward it, trying to relax her pounding heart. She could see the scene playing in her mind like an unstoppable nightmare, the cops breaking down her door, handcuffs curling like biting snakes around her wrists, the click of a locked cell door-

BUZZZZZZZ.

_It was probably just someone calling for someone who lived here before, _she thought, trying anything to calm herself down. _After all, she had only been here a few weeks-_

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

She thrust her fist against the intercom button and stammered, "Yes, yes, hello?"

"Pizza."

The voice was short and very deep, but as soon as Kate heard it she practically melted with relief. It was almost impossible to put a face to it. But to Kate there was still a mist of familiarity around it.

She pushed the thought out of her mind and said, "I-I'm sorry-I think you may have the wrong room."

"Damn it," the voice muttered under their breath. Kate suppressed a laugh. They had clearly never used an intercom before.

The voice came back, brighter then before, trying to cover up their mistake.

"Well, guess what, with all the trouble we've caused you for our stupid mistake, how about we give you these perfect pepperoni pizzas absolutely free!"

Kate couldn't help it. She laughed out loud. "Who's we?" she asked.

"Uh- Ray's Original Pizza."

Kate rolled her eyes. There had to be a hundred of those in New York already, and each one was supposed to be the original.

"This is a really great deal. You won't find this anywhere else-"

"Okay, fine, thank you," Kate said, hitting the unlock button. _He's not gonna go away anyway_, she thought.

Less than a minute later, there was a pounding on her door, "Coming, coming," she called, stumbling to reach the knob.

The time it took for the door to open was the longest moment in Kate's life. She saw everything in perfect detail, the way the door scraped her creaky wood floor, the way he stepped into her doorway, and the way he looked at her when he said,

"Hey, Freckles. Sorry about that pizza."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Hi everyone,**

**First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you for your reviews! They were awesome. Really. I've always wanted to me a writer, but this is the first time I've ever posted anything. So if it seems like I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, that would be why. For example, I realized that parts of Chapter 1 make no sense, like how they got off the island, etc. The idea is, after the last episode, Kate and Sawyer escaped from Pickett and ran across the other island, where Alex found them with a boat on the shore that helped Kate escape, but Sawyer was left behind. Kate got back to the old island, and a few days later, they were rescued, Kate under a new identity. That's all I'll put here and most of what I've got so far. It might change as it goes on. The rest of what happened then will be in flashbacks(that's what the italics at the beginning of some chapters are.)**

**I know. I never shut up. But thank you again, and now back to the story.**

**This chapter has more fluffiness than dramatic mystery stuff, so have fun.**

**Kate**

**p.s and I don't own lost or iris.**

_Run. All her life, that was the only thing Kate could do. Run, run as far as she could from her past. But she had never run this fast, never in her life. She could feel the world breaking away from her, feel herself beginning to rise from the ground. Usually this was the part of running that she loved, the freedom of it. But this time it was different. This time she was running for her life. _

_She kept twisting her head to look around her as she ran. Every step she turned to look, listening for Sawyer's footsteps following behind. _

_She screamed his name again and again, beginning to cry, her tears falling with the heavy rain. But no matter how hard she screamed, he didn't come. The only sound was a gunshot breaking through the rain._

Kate whirled around and slammed the door shut against him, breathing hard as though she had been running. She closed her eyes tight and violently shook her head. It was happening, she was going crazy, that had to be it. Sawyer- Sawyer was dead. It was her fault, Sawyer was dead. But still she could hear his yells through the hard wood of the door.

"Damn it, Freckles, that nearly chopped off my foot! What the hell were you thinking?"

She fell to the floor and buried her head in her hands, pleading for the voices to stop. But his voice still kept echoing back to her, from just inches away.

"Freckles, Freckles- Kate! Open the door, okay? I need to talk to you."

"Go away," Kate mumbled.

"What?"

"You're dead!" Kate screamed, flinging the door open. "You're dead! Go away!"

"Freckles, what the hell-" He grabbed her shoulders. "Stop squirming, damn it, Kate! What the hell-"

She finally looked at him, and that was when he noticed the tears in her eyes. "Shhh, calm down," he whispered. He took her in his arms and pulled her out of the hallway, gently closing the door behind them. "It'll be okay."

He stroked her hair and pulled her closer, and in that moment she wanted nothing more than to give in. But the one thing that stopped her was what she had been telling herself the whole time. He was dead, it was her fault, he wasn't coming back. She had said it so many times she couldn't believe anything else, even if it turned out to be the truth. Both thoughts fought in her head until she didn't know what to do. She could move as he lifted her up in his arms and brought her out of the hallway.

He set her down on the foot of her tiny bed, and she curled her knees to her chest, locking herself up. Sawyer sat next to her and took her head gently in his hands, but she pulled away, her thick brown hair falling over her face.

"C'mon, Freckles, look at me. What's goin' on?"

"Y-you were dead," she stuttered, glaring at him from behind the veil of her hair.

"Yeah, about that. Whad'ya mean, I was dead?"

"I heard the gunshot, you didn't come after me, oh God, I'm going crazy," she rambled, her voice fading to a whisper as she spoke the one thought that had been scaring her for weeks.

Sawyer almost smiled. "You really think that just 'cause you heard a damn gunshot that I was dead? C'mon, Freckles, you know better than that."

She was still glaring at him, and he could see her green eyes fixed on him even under the protection of her hair. Most caught by that glare would have thought she was mad, but it brought a tiny smile to Sawyer's face. _Good old Freckles, _he thought.

"How did you find me then?"

Sawyer shrugged. "That old passport? I didn't forget the name, _Joanna." You don't look like a Joanna at all, Freckles, _he thought. She could tell that was just what he was thinking. But she didn't release him from her sharp gaze, and he could tell she still wasn't ready to believe him.

"Still don't think I'm real?" he asked, a bit of a challenge in his voice. "All right then," His voice drifted off as he looked back on their time on the island. "You never wore pink," he said triumphantly.

Kate's head snapped up. "What?" she said sharply.

"The game we played on the island. I Never... You never wore pink."

Kate's mind traveled back to that night by the bonfire, and just the memory of it began to calm her. She brushed her hair out of her face, looked him in the eyes, and they were still the same green eyes she knew so well. "Sawyer?" she whispered.

"It's me," he whispered back, linking his fingers with hers. He ran his fingers gently through her hair, and she pulled closer and closer until finally his lips met hers. They waited there, neither of them knowing how much time had passed with them there, breathing together. When they finally pulled apart, Kate's tears were dried and smiles fell onto both their faces.

"I missed you," Sawyer breathed into her neck. "Only been two weeks, but you have no idea how much, Freckles."

"Yeah, I do," Kate whispered back. "I missed you that much too."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Hi guys,**

**Sorry this took so long. Lots of homework and writers block means I don't get a lot done. But now it's winter break(YES!!!!!) so I got to work more on this. **

**I think this chapter is just a little longer, but there's not much to say about it here, so you'll just have to read it for yourself. **

**And reviews make my day happy, so please review!**

**Happy holidays,**

**Kate**

_"Kate, damn it, run!" The words echoed out of the walkie talkie and rang in Kate's ears. She looked at the scene around her, rain pouring down, a man holding a gun to her head, a man with a gun pointed at Sawyer. Her mind was racing. How was she supposed to just run from all this?_

"_Run, Freckles." _

_Sawyer looked up at her, and the world was crashing down on her at that moment. She saw the way that everything can turn black so fast, and it was a shock to her. _

"_Are you crazy?" She was screaming now, and it was driving her insane how he seemed so calm. "I'm not running!"_

"_Kate, god damn it, please, just-"_

"_I said I wouldn't leave you-"_

"_I'll come later when I can, I promise, just go!" _

_She looked at him again, and she saw something in his eyes, that she had never seen before; fear. Her heart nearly stopped, and almost as if it was out of her control, she flung her fist back at the man holding her, wrestled out of his giant's grip, and ran. _

Kate woke to the sound of a honking car in a traffic jam outside her window, a sound she had grown used to by now. At that sound, the memories of the night before came back to her, and, for the first time in weeks, she smiled.

"Been waiting for you to get up," a voice murmured from behind her, turning her smile into a grin. "You know what time it is?"

Sawyer gestured to the clock perched on Kate's desk. The glass on its face was cracked, and it had to be at least a few minutes slow, but it still read 12:30. "You were out for a while there, Freckles," he said gently.

"Haven't slept much lately," Kate mumbled with a yawn. It was an understatement; she'd been up late every night, afraid of sleep and the nightmares it gave her, nightmares like terrifying horror movies playing over and over in her head. And finally, tonight they had stopped.

She felt something warm touch her hands and opened her eyes. "You made coffee?" she laughed.

"Yeah, well, it's not very good," Sawyer said, hiding his reddening cheeks.

Kate brought the mug to her lips; he was right, it was terrible. "You call this coffee?" she teased.

"Your coffee maker does."

"Came with the apartment," Kate grumbled into her coffee cup.

"Yeah," Sawyer grinned, looking around. "Nice place you got here, Freckles."

Kate rolled her eyes, catching the sarcasm in his voice. Though, she realized, no one who said those words about her apartment could have been saying them with honesty. Her bed was crammed into the corner across from the tiny oven and stove, her desk was covered with old books, and the bathroom was in the closet. She hadn't noticed how dirty the windows were, either.

She grinned, "Yeah, thanks."

He looked at her for a few minutes before he finally said it. "How long you planning on stayin' here?"

She let her eyes meet his, knowing exactly what he meant. _How long are you gonna hide out here before the cops find out who you are and you have to run again? _

She was silent for a few minutes. "I hadn't really thought about it," she whispered. The truth was, she had almost forgotten. Panic gripped her as she remembered what she had done, and what could happen to her. Question after question came rushing into Kate's head. _Who would know that she was alive and where would she run to when they came after her.._

He saw her eyes flooding with terror again and found himself scrambling for something, anything to say that would calm her down. "No one knows, though, they don't. I know they don't. They think you're dead from the crash. I know, I saw it in the paper," he rambled. Kate gave him a look at the last part; she knew that Sawyer had never read a whole newspaper in his life, but the way he was trying to relax her with his nervous, scrambled words made her smile.

She brushed her hair out of her face, sat up and looked at him. "We need to talk."

"Figured you were gonna say that," Sawyer said with a sigh.

"How the hell did you get off that island? How did you get here?" Kate asked, a sharpness to her voice.

"Long story," Sawyer grumbled.

"I don't have much taking up my time, in case you haven't noticed," she replied bitterly. "Tell me. Everything."

"The guy who had a gun at you got a call that their camp was burning. He ran off. Now I been beat by ol' Pickett before, you remember, Freckles, so I knew what he was gonna do."

Kate remembered the gunshot, and her stomach clenched. "You shot him?"

Sawyer shrugged. "Didn't kill 'em. But I didn't really have much choice then."

"Findin' you was the hard part. I kept looking, but I didn't have any idea where you were, a name, anything. Then I saw a list on the news of everybody's names, everyone from the plane. And I saw old Joanna's name on the list of survivors, said she lived in New York." He gave her a firm but gentle look. "That girl died, Freckles. You remember as well as I do."

Kate closed her eyes tight as she heard the girl's screams echoing through her mind. She remembered.

"So finally I found someone who said she heard that someone named Joanna had moved into her friends old place across the street. Said that she was a pretty girl with green eyes, brown hair and freckles all over her face, never left her apartment." He grinned. "Couldn't have been anyone else but you."

Kate looked at his face again, remembering every bit of it, and she realized that she knew how he felt, and what he was thinking. She realized she'd never known someone that well, and it scared her and made her happy at the same time. She could tell that he was happy to see her by the relieved smile on his face, but something was bothering her, and it took her a few minutes to realize what it was.

"I miss it sometimes too," she murmured, and was surprised to find that it was true.

"Crazy, right?" Sawyer whispered. "Can't imagine living anywhere but on a beach."

Kate nodded. "You seen anybody?" she asked. She needed to hear from somebody, anybody from the island. It was hard to believe how fast anyplace can become your home.

"Saw Charlie on tv the other night," Sawyer said with a grin. "Played some pretty good guitar."

Kate laughed, remembering Charlie's stories of platinum records and sold out concerts. Her laugh faded when she remembered someone else's face that had been reappearing in her mind.

"Jack?"

Sawyer's face hardened slightly, and she saw it.

"We're just friends, Sawyer. That's it, I –"

"I know, Freckles, I know," Sawyer said firmly. And this time he believed her.

"Haven't seen him," he said quietly. "His name wasn't on the list, either."

Kate closed her eyes for a moment before she said what she was thinking.

"I don't think he's dead. I don't know why I think that, but I don't think he is."

Sawyer shook his head, "I don't either."

He opened his mouth to say more, but his voice was cut off by the sudden blare of a siren.

Kate's breath caught in her throat, and her heart pounded louder that a drum as she began to shake. She looked out the window, wanting nothing more than to look away, but her eyes wouldn't let her. She kept watching, the same nightmare playing in her head again. The car whirled around the corner of her street and her heart stopped beating altogether, the red flashing lights blinding her-

And then it was gone. The sirens faded with the lights, her heart was beating, that the world was beginning to start up again after that one moment.

She felt his arms fold around her and heard him whisper in her ear.

"I won't let them near you," he said as he rocked her back a forth like he used to. "I'll punch their brains out if I have to and we'll run. I'll run with you."

She knew that it was a promise that he meant to keep, and that made her feel safe for the first time that she could remember.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Hi everybody**

**It is now one thirty in the morning and I can barely type this, but I don't care because I have finished chapter 4! Yes! (Too tired to post now but I'll type this up so I con sometime tomorrow)**

**No flashbacks in this one, but it's mostly from sawyers POV for once, and somebody familiar comes back, forcing Kate to run again. That's pretty much all I have to say, so read, please review, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!**

**Love, Kate **

She hadn't left the window since the car came.

She couldn't keep her eyes off it, couldn't pull herself away from the world outside. Maybe it was her longing to be a part of it, or maybe it was her fear of the car with the flashing lights whirling around the corner again. What ever it was, she wouldn't leave it. She couldn't.

Sawyer watched her, wanting to touch her, talk to her, but he knew it would hardly reach her. He knew she was miles away from him, even though they were sitting in the same room. He could tell by the lost look in her eyes, the kind of lost look that means you don't want to be found. He knew there was nothing he could do anymore.

But he always kept an eye on her.

It had been a day now, and she had hardly said a word. That was what worried him the most. His talkative Freckles, the one the always said everything that was on her mind, was the same girl curled up by the window, her face buried in her hair. Looking at her there, he knew that any other day, he would have hardly recognized her, But every time he looked at her now, he remembered the panic in her eyes when she first heard that siren, the way her breath quickened and her fingers squeezing the life out of his. He knew how much that had changed her, how different she was from even the past few weeks. He closed his eyes just at the memory. He never wanted to see her like that again.

But he couldn't stand her being so far away, either.

Slowly he approached the window, crouched low, as if he were approaching a timid deer that was ready to run at any second. "Hey, Freckles."

"Hey," she croaked back, her voice rough from the day's silence. But she still didn't take her eyes off the world behind the glass.

"Want me to go n' get ya somethin' to eat?" he asked. He had checked the cupboards and the tiny fridge to find nothing but an apple and a box of crackers. She had to be starving by now.

But she merely shook her head, her gaze still locked on the window. Sawyer looked away too, still startled by the unusual quiet of her voice, and angry that she wouldn't talk to him. But even he didn't know what to say.

"Look, I'm gonna go out, okay?" His voice was sharper then the way he always talked to her, and she felt smaller as she heard him stand up. "I'll be back in a bit."

Something tugged at Kate's heart, pulling her just barely an inch from her seat by the window. She didn't want him to go. But she pulled away from it, and she didn't stop the door from slamming behind him. Kate closed her eyes, willing herself to stop feeling. She knew that the car would come for her sooner or later, and she would have to run. She would have to leave him behind.

Sawyer stomped down the rough city streets, digging the heel of his boot down further every step he took. _She's a different person, different every day, damn it! How the hell am I supposed to **talk** to her if I don't even know who the hell she is?_

He whirled around a sharp corner, muttering to himself as he pulled a cigarette fro his pocket. That was when he heard the sirens again.

He threw the cigarette to the ground and sprung to his feet, ready to race back. He could see Kate's face, covered with the same fear, hell, for all he knew she was out there running already-

The car itself came racing down the street from right behind him, siren screaming as it stopped sharply at a red light right in front of him. Everything seemed to slow down as he stared.

Sawyer's mouth dropped open as he saw the man in the car, the car only inches away from his, the car headed for the street where Kate lived. He didn't even need to remember him to know who he was.

Then in a blur, it was gone, speeding down the street. It was gone so fast he had to remind himself that it was real.

And then he ran, fast than he ever had in his life, every step hoping for something, anything to slow the world down for him to run faster.

_Keep running, keep running, _the voice in his head chanted over and over.

He turned another corner, on to Kate's street, and almost collapsed with relief to find it blocked with traffic as always. He looked up, daring himself to find Kate's window, and when he looked up, he almost screamed.

Kate was climbing out of the window onto the fire escape, her hair blowing like the leaves of a palm tree in a hurricane.

Sawyer did the only thing he would let himself to, climb after her, every step up. He didn't give himself time to think or control, he just climbed and climbed.

"Damn it," he spat at the steps, "What the hell's she thinking, livin' up here, seventh floor?"

He could hear the sirens growing louder, feel the car getting closer and closer. He knew it was close, and he knew that she knew it too. Her footsteps were shaking the steps beneath him, like an earthquake, harder and harder, until she leapt onto the step right in front of him.

She paused, almost surprised to see him standing in her path. "What do you think you're doing?" she yelled. She needed to run, need to forget him, and here he was standing in her way.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he snapped back. "You run from here now, where're you supposed to go?"

She opened her mouth to answer when they both heard a car slam, like a clap of thunder over all the other city sounds.

Kate threw herself against the brick wall, trying with every bit of herself to become part of it, become something invisible. She whispered to Sawyer.

"What's happening?"

They were out of the car now, marching toward the building like robotic soldiers.

"They-they're coming around the corner," he hissed.

Kate looked at him desperately, her mind racing.

"You have a car?"

He nodded slowly, afraid that if he dared to move an inch someone would see him. Kate could feel it too, the risk they took just by standing there, with time closing in on them bit by bit. Just one movement, one noise could send everything crashing down on both of them.

"Give me your keys,' she mouthed.

His hand, controlled by only instinct, reached into his pocket and pulled out an old key ring, all the silver shine worn out of it.

"Up there!" a voice yelled. Kate shot one more look at Sawyer, filled with a mix of emotions that even he couldn't read before she tore down the last set of stairs. All he could do was race after her.

"First parking garage on the left, third floor," he yelled, hoping that she could still hear him over the gunshots and sirens.

She turned onto the last street with his footsteps falling close behind hers. He had to be the first guy ever to come close to outrunning her. She almost smiled at the thought. Finally someone who could keep up with her.

A gunshot sounded from the street, stopping her in her tracks as she whirled around to find herself standing in front of the parking garage. "Third floor," she reminded herself out loud before Sawyer had a chance to tell her again.

She scrambled up the stairs, counting the steps to keep herself focused. _I'm not getting in that car, _she thought over and over.

She must had been thinking it out loud, because as soon as they reached the third floor Sawyer grabbed her hand.

"Freckles, it's gonna be okay," he murmured.

Kate could feel tears coming to her eyes but she choked them back, trying to hide them from Sawyer even though she could feel him looking right through her.

She held up the keys. "Which one?"

He pointed to an old battered truck, that may have at sometime been red but now was rusted brown.

Kate stabbed the key into the lock and thrust the dusted door open, sticking the key to the ignition.

She was about to kick the gas petal when another car door slammed, showering her hair in dust.

Sawyer was sitting next to her, panting. "Go, drive, damnit," he gasped.

Kate took her shaking hands off the wheel. "Not until you get out."

It was so silent she hardly dared to look at him. She heard him laugh. "You're serious?"

She shook her head. This was all too familiar. "Just get out of the car."

"And what the hell am I supposed to do, let them take you?" he yelled.

Kate bit her lip. "Sawyer-"

"No way in hell am I just going to-"

"They still don't know I'm here, " Kate insisted, "they'll find out in a few minutes-"

"Yeah, and I'm supposed to sit here and do nothing when they do?"

'You still have time, I have to go-"

"I'm not-"

"This happened once, it's not happening again, okay?" Kate screamed.

Screeching tires drowned out the following quiet. The car, the very car that haunted Kate's dreams was in her path. She stared at it for a moment, praying that her eyes didn't give away the fear she was drowning in.

"Get…down," she hissed at Sawyer, never taking her eyes off of the car. She gripped the steering wheel, raised her foot to kick the petal, and drove.

_Screeeech, _she scraped past the car, slamming into a concrete wall. She spiraled down turn after turn, everything blurring together as she drove faster and faster. All she knew now was that she had to keep going.

She broke through to the streets, taking the first road in front of her. "How did they find me here, god, how did they find me here?" she kept saying over and over.

"Kate," Sawyer screamed up at her. "Kate!"

She slammed on the brakes, skidding the car to a halt.

"What?"

"It's Pickett."

Slowly she felt her mouth drop open. "What?"

_Beeeeeeep._

The honk of an impatient car brought her back. She checked the mirrors and listened.

"I don't think they're coming." She turned to him sharply. "We need to get out of the city. Keep watch out that window. And don't even think about driving," she added as he opened his mouth, "I'm getting us out of here."

He rolled his eyes but could feel something almost make him smile as the car jolted forward, throwing him back. _That's Kate Austen for you, _he thought, _she can read your mind, and when she's up to something, she sure as hell won't let go. _

He didn't have any idea where they were going, and he was almost surprised to find that he didn't care. But as she watched her drive away, her eyes locked on nothing but the endless miles of road in front of her, he knew she wasn't about to look back.


End file.
